(Rules for) Living Life on the Lime (4)

Standard

 

A.)   Pretend you are a color. Or pretend that you experience synesthesia like my friend Ian, who sees people and letters in colors.

  1. He wouldn’t tell me what color I am. So I am sticking with Lime.

B.)   When sitting next to extreme conservatives on an airplane (possibly including one soldier and one old racist man from Alabama), remain diplomatic.

  1. For example, if the old racist man from Alabama tells you that he would like to strip Jane Fonda naked, and then tar and feather her, and you say “Oh, well I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree,” be prepared for him to declare that this is not something you can disagree about.
  2. For another example, if the soldier asks you how you feel about gun control, or if you get into a deep discussion about health care and you are beginning to panic because persons in uniform terrify you, just start talking about trade schools and the sports his children play. There is no need to speak with excessive speed, though.

C.)   If you are studying for a standardized test and you require corrective lenses, use your glasses.

  1. This will prevent headaches or excuse-making when you fail a section, say, on the GRE, in which you have to squint at a computer screen for all of the six 30- to 35-minute sections.
  2. Unfortunately, it will probably not prevent both because when you are relieved of the excuse-making, you may get a headache.
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