The Offbeat Answer to Life


I really like being weird.

I like being the person who insists on reading a random poem aloud to a friend because it occurs to me. I like knowing how to do a handstand, but only against a vertical surface (including trees, although it’s more precarious). I don’t like trying to write down ideas for poems or essays while on a train or in another moving vehicle — like an airplane or a car — when it causes my handwriting to be not pretty and or not linear.

I like carrying four or five bags in the New York City subway system and arriving everywhere sweaty but with larger muscles. I also like committing myself to excessive amounts of reading and explaining to people that this is just what I need to be doing with my weekend. I like keeping a blog.

I hate ordering food in a restaurant, discovering I don’t like it but still have to pay for it. More than that, I hate knowing I don’t like a food very well but have to order it because it’s the least bad option on the menu. I love sleeping in my parents’ basement. I love having a massive whiteboard only to use it intermittently for random tasks like making a single weekly schedule or writing a list of every book or author I discovered I want to read in the last three months.

I like doodling in class. I like listening to intensely intellectual podcasts while I run. I do not like places that don’t serve brunch on particular days — every day could be a brunch day. I do like making funny faces at babies. Even better, I like carrying my niece and nephew on my shoulders, especially when it makes them happier than they were before. I like arguing.

I hate being mean on accident, or insensitive, or ignorant. I also hate being mean on purpose even more. It’s so much worse. I love maraschino cherries and I love steak. I hate imagining my death over and over again while seated next to a random and/or smelly person on an airplane.

I really enjoy cutting up bananas with a spoon over my cereal and then pouring on the milk. I love staying at my sister’s house and getting up really early to go to the gym and then coming back and feeding the twins bites of my cereal while they run around.

I love thinking of the van as an animate object that informs my mother it is time to go to Dairy Queen. I do not like the smell of dead leaves after a few weeks, but it’s not nearly as bad as the smell of rotten meat. I love running sprints up and down the lane next to the river cabin with my dad and timing it obsessively. I even love reporting the times back to my dad when he can’t come with me, although it’s not as much fun when he’s not there. I like popcorn with brewer’s yeast.

I like The New Girl so much that sometimes I wish I would dream about it so that I could have a few of my own personal episodes to remember. I really dislike mixing foods together unless I am certain it will not decrease their individual fabulous flavors.

I like discovering my brother-in-law in various outdoor locations, doing a crossfit workout at a superspeed pace. I hate mosquito bites so much that I will drench myself in gross-smelling repellent to avoid mound-like bite reactions on my excessively sensitive skin.

I really like being weird.


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