A. Appreciate the rain. Other people have so much more or less of it than they need. Just appreciate yours.
B. Remember to use I-statements when expressing your discomfort with someone else.
- Example: “I feel angry because you ate all the pie, dude!”
- Example: “I feel happy because I scored three goals on that group of children, which means I win.”
- Example: “When you poke me in the side, I feel tickled.”
- And so on.
C. Consider the consequences of your actions.
- Like if you eat too many blueberries and spinach, it might give you the runs.
- Or if you get into the shower with your glasses on, they might get wet.
D. Re-use zip-lock bags.
E. There can never be too many raspberries or blueberries, despite what I said earlier.
F. Trust yourself.
A. Sing along.
B. Complete tasks you planned to complete.
- Don’t freak out if it’s not on exactly the right timeline — flexibility is good.
- But quit procrastinating.
C. Sometimes it is hard to understand what people are saying, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be interesting if you figure it out.
- For example: “Make Me Proud” by Drake featuring Nicki Minaj is good, but what is Nicki Minaj actually saying? I think there are words missing.
D. Be optimistic.
E. Sleeping enough helps you maintain a normal weight. So do that.
F. Include characters you are uncomfortable writing when you write.
- You might make a new friend.
- Or learn something new about yourself.
- Or you might discover that people are not so different from one another, no matter what identities have been pinned to them (e.g. black, feminist, gay, conservative, stay-at-home mom).
G. Drink enough beer.
- But not too much beer.
H. Go swinging.
I. Take pictures.
- Of the garden.
- And other stuff, too.
in the morning
A). Listen to a song on repeat until you can no longer imagine that your life was ever separate from it.
- If you can guess which song I’ve been doing this with recently, you get a prize. It’s a good prize.
- I think there are two songs that qualify.
- I will give two people the prize, so only guess one song.
B). Laugh when you say something stupid. Forget blushing; it’s not even cute anymore.
C). Avoid panic attacks.
D). While running, do not leave your keys in a zipperless open pocket.
E). Spinach is spectacular.
- arugula = rocket = scrumptious
- And steamed broccoli with melted cheese will change your life.
F). Most people do not intend to be cruel, so try to be patient and forgiving. It’s totally worth it.
- But don’t be a wimp. Stand up for yourself when necessary.
- I have no idea how to determine exactly what qualifies as necessity, but trust your gut unless you are prone to frequent confrontation.
G). Enjoy the coffee.
- (Insert appropriate alternative if you hate coffee).
Life is just chess. Practice the long game.
A). Imagine what you would be like if you were 89 years old.
B). Eat a seasonable fruit.
C). If you are going running in Scotland, wear protective layers over your ears.
- For example, a bandana that would be mistaken for gang gear in the south Seattle or Chicago is definitely appropriate while running in Scotland.
- I mean, you could wear a hat, too. That would probably work.
D). Consider writing down a plot to take over the world. It will probably be a bestseller.
E). Read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Reading is good for you.
- Then draw pictures of tattoos you wish you could get for a year and then make disappear.
- Draw lots of these pictures because it is good to exercise your creative mind.
F). Having a schedule is good.
Sometimes you just need to shut the door.
A) Don’t blame it on the haters; they’re just the haters.
C) Learning to do handstands is good because if you are ever upside down you will already know what it feels like and might even freak out less if it happens suddenly.
D) Make lists about what is awesome in your life.
- And also make lists of the unpleasant variety.
- And also make grocery lists
- And lists of titles for songs you intend to write in the future.
- And lists of things about which you could make lists.
- Then tell other people it’s a rule that they do the same.
E) Apply for a job that appears to be entirely uncharacteristic in relation to your personality and political beliefs. (It’s good to stretch).
F) Some people just deserve to be flipped off.
These Rules are brought to you by Some Cows in the Road, never there when you really need them
A) Wearing make-up for no reason at all is entirely reasonable.
B) Coffee and sweet things belong together. Like donuts or croissants.
- And then a book, and maybe some sun? (Greece, you are not really cooperating on this last front).
- When selecting between a pound of coffee with text written entirely in Greek and a pound of coffee with a small set of instructions in English, go for the latter. Unless you speak Greek and know that what you are buying is actually Greek coffee, which my host described to me a few days ago as “like the Arab stuff, you know, with the mud on the bottom.” Seriously?
C) Redheads are sexy. The Black Keys are stupendous.
- I am going to dance like the man in that video one day.
D) Writing high quality columns is not always as easy as it appears.
- Remedies for this do not include tequila.
- And neither, apparently, do they include yoga.
These Rules are brought to you by Garbage on the Acropolis; It's Everywhere Else, Why Shouldn't It Be There, Too?